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Seriously.  ”Cuz every other city we go, every other video, seems wherever I go…I seeeee the saaaame chaaaaaain”

  Berg has definitely been the most marked rapper of the year.  A lot of people trash talked him.  Maino slapped him in public.  He seemed to catch shots at every turn…Even Ne-Yo slagged him in an interview, (Ne-Yo?…damn.  Berg got called out by a dude who wears lip gloss).

 And then there was that chain snatching.  Oh man.  I usually think this stuff is funny, but I actually feel bad about this one.  Since Berg got took for his chain, It seems like every rapper, rapper’s cousin, rapper’s daughter, rapper’s one night stand, cab driver, Kebab stand clerk and high school football team in the country posted a video of themselves on the web wearing Berg’s chain and talking trash.  I think i saw my optometrist rockin it out and dancin’ to “The Business” on Youtube.  And now…NOW…Yung Berg’s chain is on tour.  That’s right.  Trick Trickposted a video today in which he explains how he is taking Berg’s chain on tour.

 Yung Berg’s chain is on tour…without Yung Berg.  OK, NOW, it’s funny again.  Here’s the VIDEO. 

 Ah, the holidays.  ’Tis the season to squash beef.

 Don’t you hate that?  Every December, just when your schedule starts to slack up a bit, when you can take a little time to reflect, sort your life, and dig a little deeper into what’s truly important in life (read: celebrity feuds) everyone decides to be all nice and complimentary.  And I mean everyone.  Even pop singers.

Well I say, Bah, freeeeeeakin HUMBUG to that.  If you pop singers can’t do your jobs and fight incessantly over issues like excess weight and deficient talent, then I have nothing to write about.  December should be just like any other month, and you should continue to work hard at being catty, just as though it were any other time of year.  And I’m not gonna beat around the bush or avoid naming names…I’m just gonna come out and say it.

Katy Perry, you, singlehandedly, through your decent and apologetic statements have RUINED MY CHRISTMAS.

 Remember this summer when Katy Perry described herself as a skinnier Lily Allen, and Lily Allen retorted by pointing out the little known fact that Katy doesn’t write songs (which Lily, as a songwriter, does…to clarify).  Well, yesterday, Katy, in an US magazine interview, ruined what could have boiled into an excellent feud by telling US Magazine:

“Yeah, I made a joke about [that] earlier this year…I was just kind of joking and trying to be funny. I didn’t mean anything by it. Comedians are not necessarily to be taken super seriously.”

Damn you Katy Perry.  Damn you.  A decent pop singer feud could’ve kept me in blog material well into the new year and now…now…with one measly statement, you’ve ruined that.  I hate you so much right now.

Anyway.  I guess I should stop crying over spilled milk.  We’ve got a new year ahead, and there are tons of possibilities for new celeb beef.  Matter of fact, I’m pretty sure we could goad Lily into a pretty decent fued with Lenka, who has, as of late, been unabashedly jacking Lily’s bicycle swag (as illustrated HERE).  You know what, forget Katy Perry.  Hating her is so 2008…I think Lenka is about to go hard at Lily in the oh nine, SON!

And as for you, Katy Perry…I don’t wanna hear you cryin’ when we don’t cover you in the oh nine!  You dug your own grave on this one, sweetums.  As TLC so eloquently put it in that one House Party movie: sorry fo’ ya!  That’s right.  If you won’t fight, I won’t write.  And if the glove don’t fit!  you must acquit!  That made no sense!  

It is a dark day in Hollywood.  Possibly the darkest.  A day that will live in infamy.

 This morning at roughly 6:15 AM, historic gentlemen’s club and pillar of the community, THE BODY SHOP on the Sunset Strip caught fire.  Luckily, no injuries were reported, as all the strippers had left an hour prior to do blow off of Tommy Lee’s genitals.  However, damages are yet to be assessed.

  Forty firefighters responded to the small attic blaze.  Yes, forty.  Should have been eighty.

 Oh, Body Shop, we wish you the best, and I, for one, hope to darken your doorstep again as soon as possible.  You are a landmark, and truly one of our city’s treasures…I will go as far as to say that without you, there would be none of THIS.GET WELL SOON. 

This shyzz has gone waaaay too far when dudes are modulating songs with one note.

 This Jim Jones track in particular is based on what is barely a melody, but is still produced in the same manner as all those other big tom/timpani/taiko+ autotune tracks…and it comes on the heels of all of those Jim Jones interviews we’ve been seeing that are clearly more about Kanye than about Jim Jones.

 I’m seeing nails in this trends coffin.

 But you ain’t got to take it from me…SEE IT FOR YOURSELF…it’s a Reading Rainbow.

   Might I suggest the digital doubler next…it’s kinda badass and I use it all the time.

It’s true.  Check out Mrs. Hova lookin’ right on the cover of GQ Deutschland.  They even dressed her in the ceremonial German Heidi Klum wig.  That’s real love.

But B. even looks right DRESSED AS A COP AND SAYIN’ STUFF LIKE: DRINK BEER WITh THE GUUUUUUUYZZZZ.

First SUBLIME.  Then NO DOUBT.  Now BLUR will be re-uniting to play the summer festival circuit????

 What’s next?

Oh, yeah.  BLINK-182.

Wuddup, 1996! Get in on this beer bong, SONNN!  Dude, 1996, would you get pissed if I made out with your little sister?  Cuz I start JV football and she’s totally down.

I considered blogging this a couple days back, but didn’t think it was that important to you readers…then I remembered that I am, essentially, one of the the mass market’s only links to some serious Kells coverage.  I’m prolly the only company blogger who covers Kells regularly, and, aside from that IFC guy and Bridgette, definitely the only white person who’s genuinely stoked on his acquittal (and not just because white people have wrongly imprisoned soooooo many brown people…I’m half brown and therefore not at all guilty about that shyzzz).

 I seriously think he is the king of contemporary R&B, and I base that on talent, lyrical content, levity, swag, vision and track record both in the studio and in the field of booty reception (but only legal, non-peeing booting reception).

 Aaaaaaaanyway, in an unexpected turn, Kells turned up on the remix for Beyonce’s stellar gender bending ballad, IF I WERE A BOY.  I love the Kells verse on this.  He isn’t lewd, isn’t funny or self effacing…it’s not one of his random freestyles, and, in that sense(though the new, IDGAF Kells is my favorite), it’s refreshing.  He sounds sensitive, young and invested.  He sounds like DOWN LOW Kells…old school.  

 So what do You think? Check out the ORIGINAL  (stuntin in HD) vs. the REEEEEMIX

 Also, The Remix Killer showed up this week on the T-Pain “Chopped N Skrewed.  This one’s a little different.  Both o’ y’all who read this blog know that I equate T-Pain our generation’s Roger from ZAPP…which is not a dig, cuz I love me some ZAPP…but we all know that the autotune is his instrument, but it ain’t Kelly’s.  Kells has one of the smoothest voices you’re ever gonna hear and I don’t know if there’s any point to masking it…but whatever.  He can pretty much own anyone’s style…CUSTOMER? SAME GIRL? IMA FLIRT? Anyone? 

Again, peep this ORIGINAL (in baller ass HD featuring Luda) and rock the A/B comparison with the KELLS REMIX.

Girl, you know it’s true.  Thanksgiving is one of my faorite Holidays.

 I know a lot of people dig the more acive holidays, and that’s cool, that’s cool.  However, summer holidays always fall a little flat for me.  I would never suggest that BBQing, drinking my weight in beer, surfing, playing music, enjoying California’s finest, smallest bikinis and doing all of that other summer holiday stuff is not fun.  I would, however, suggest that there is no reason, dude…ABSOLUTELY NO reason not to enjoy all of that stuff EVERY weekend when the weather is right.

Thanksgiving, on the other hand, is the sort of thing you can only really get away with once or twice a year.  Honestly, how often can I spend an entire day on the couch watching football with my dogs, listening to the first perennial spins of the Motown and Brat Pack Christmas records, and drinking wine I can’t afford while my mom…or someone’s mom cooks up a feast that I get to meal on ALL. DAMN. DAY?  

Seriously, how Many?  That was NOT a rhetorical question.  And the answer is 2.  Just 2.  Is 3 also acceptable?  NO.  There can be only 2.  And Thanksgiving is one of them.
Anyway, as a gift to you, I’d like to share the GREATEST and BEST Thanksgiving video EVER made.  EVER.  In the History Of mankdind.  Ever. Ever ever ever ever ever. 

ever.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. William S. Burroughs:

http://music.pluggedin.com/video/145382400/A_Thanksgiving_Prayer   

This Bizarro world stuff is gettin’ a little out of hand.  Remember when I told you about that goofy promotion that Taco Bell cooked up this summer in which they asked Curtis to change his name, for a day, to 79 cent Jackson in honor of their (effin delicious) value meal?  Well, the lawsuit that Fiddy claimed would result has been leveled, and Taco Bell’s lawyers have come back hard at Curtis, claiming that he is using his public voice to completely distort a good faith offer that would have greatly benefited both parties and charity.
 Whoever let Taco Bell’s private offer letter leak to the public really screwed them over on this one, but at the end of the day, it’s lookin like they could counter sue for defamation and take 50 worse than that Angolan chain snatcher.
Anyway, what’s more interesting about this situation is that, after all these years, hip hop beefs really are bigger than hip hop.  First Jay-Z vs. Oasis, now this?  Damn.
 I still contend that this is, at heart, another battle in the cola wars, being that The Bell is a Pepsi property, and 50 is still heavily involved in the marketing of Vitamin Water (which Coke now owns).  This ain’t beef, it’s war! 
 

…ain’t gonna be possible.  Really, seriously.  Mr. & Mrs. Jay-Z have reportedly earned a combined 162 million dollars this year.  One hundred and sixty two MILLION dollars.  Now they can totally afford designer sunglasses and stuff.